Addendum to Fifty Shades…

I finished the last book. It was a train wreck. The bad guy who was jealous gets caught, Ana and Christian iron out all of his emotional issues, (sorta) and the two of them live happily ever after in a beautiful house, yada-yada-yada.

Now, looking back, I noticed a few things. First off, Ana always ended up undressed or at least half dressed during sex. Christian on the other hand, ‘unzipped, unbuttoned, undid his pants’. He never undressed! 3/4ths of the time, he literally just unzipped. There is even a note made of how quickly he got dressed. The ‘all he had to do was zip up’ type of comment.

Now guys, Tell me honestly… How many times have you just had a quickie where you just unzipped and when you were finished packed everything away and NO ONE noticed? Better yet, how many times have you had a good juicy fuck thru the opening in your jeans and then just zipped up and had NO ONE notice?

Sorry, my brain does the permutations.

  • Unless he’s hung like a hamster, the zip, and/or the zipper tab is going to rub.
  • boxers and jeans are going to put one hell of a crimp in your style and blood flow, let alone ability to get things where you want them. Can you say constriction? Don’t forget he uses a condom for most of the books. Condoms… zipper teeth…. Am I the only one who sees an issue here?
  • Juices/sweat/cum. Oh boy! If your girlfriend/lover sits across your lap without panties, her juices are going to get on your jeans/undies/sweatpants/dress trousers. When she comes, those juices are going to run down….. When you come, semen and sperm are going to drip everywhere. Oh, and if you wear a condom, it is going to pool at the base of your cock soaking your underwear. Oh, and don’t forget your balls. They get sweaty. So, that is going to pool in the crotch of your jeans too. 
  • Sex ISN’T clean. It is sweaty, sticky and juicy!

So, I guess what I’m trying to point out is here is this guy who’s just fucked his girlfriend in their car, boat, boardroom, office, and all he does is unzip. So, you know all that fabric is right there up against her pussy. They even mention how the jeans push against her sex… Yet NO ONE says “hey, your pants are wet. Or mentions the fact that it looks like he just spilled something all over his jeans. Nor does he mention the fact that the last bit of cum has stuck everything together like super glue and has left one hell of a stain on his jeans/trousers. No one mentions that he smells like a cheap hooker either, cause you know there is no Frebreeze saturated fabric making sure no one smells sex. Nor does he ever get caught in his zipper. No road rash, no broken condoms, no poking zipper tab, nothing.

I’m sorry, I was a horny teen. I’m still a horny adult. If I had sex even half as much as those two did, I’d have sticky underwear. I’d have my skirt stuck to my backside or at least a very wet crotch in my jeans. As for the guy…. Sorry. There would have been a zipper bite. There would have been one hell of a condom failure. There would have been a puddle IN his lap, because, well… juices happen. Oh, and his sweaty balls would have made his underwear feel like he’d peed himself and the last drops of cum would have glued things in all the wrong places. Plus, Some One would have noticed. Laughed. Pointed. Snickered. Mentioned it…. “Hey boss… you spill something on your pants?”

Which brings me to another few items… All those condoms and not one failure? Sorry. Don’t believe that one. Two… I’d love to know a man who can come that much and still stay standing, let alone come again that fast. Most guys need at least 30 minutes. Plus, he has more stamina than an Olympic athlete.Yes, it is a story. Fiction. Fantasy. However, it’s much more believable if the guy can’t always get it up, cums too soon on occasion, has a condom break, etc.

This isn’t daring. It isn’t bold. This set of books is simply Harliquin Romances on B vitamins.

26 thoughts on “Addendum to Fifty Shades…

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    1. OH yeah. I am Soo Glad I didn’t buy this, but ordered it from the library. Not worth it. She also is British and you can tell that she’s trying to write like an American and it comes off all snobby. Dreck!

              1. ROFLOL! Please stop! I’ll have to start explaining my out-of-control laughter. I’m glad I didn’t read this book but your review as well as others. Much better reading and I’ve gotten a good laugh. 🙂

  1. Something Else to scoff at. I’ve not made it to the second book. Too many issues that I can’t get beyond. I’ve read way better erotica/bdsm/sex in general. The book didn’t come across as believable and wasn’t written well enough to overlook the errors. It was juvenile and silly. I bought the second book, but it’s still in the bag on my stand.

    1. LOL… You aren’t missing much. I’ve read better stuff off of Literotica where the writer can’t spell, or use grammar or punctuation. Oh. Wait. That’s her! Can you tell I didn’t like the books? My partner, Wolf, after reading my review said, “He’s hung like a hamster and no one ever got their pubic hair caught in the zipper? Fantasy!”. I laughed.

  2. I was going to suggest the books to my wife but instead will suggest she read your blog and nilla’s. Tip

  3. Please realize this book was originally a Twilight fanfic so the characters are very much Edward (the perfect sparkly vamp) and Bella (the vacuous, vapid teen) only made human and a tad older.

    What I’ve seen so far has been simply atrocious. Horrible spelling, worse grammar, and just pure god-awful descriptions of sex that sound like a 13 yr old wrote it. Oh wait…it *was* written for a 13 yr old. The author is British but didn’t edit out the ‘UK vs US’ terms in the story. No American teen who’s never lived outside the US calls a stroller a “pram” or a backpack a “rucksack”. They just don’t.

    The writer can’t use a map either (check the geography of the area, unless you’re following a very drunk snake, you don’t see the sights she sees in between her various destinations).

    If anyone wants to read it without further feathering this woman’s nest, google “Master of the Universe” and download the complete story in its original Twi-fanfic glory. Use your Find/Replace for the names and ta-da! Instant 50 Shades of Yawn.

    1. I know. It is just so bad that it screams to be picked on and abused. In some ways it give fanfiction a bad name as there are some very good examples of fanfiction out there. The UK vs US language fubars were the first thing that struck me as ‘wrong’. The rest just keeps building.

  4. Some really good and valid points. My hats off to you for finishing the books, I didn’t make. Couldn’t make myself do it. Funny you should mention the Sleeping Beauty books. With the rain and weather here, I started reading the first book, yes it is much more hardcore, but a much better read then FSoG.

    1. I had to finish. Otherwise, in my mind, I have no right to bitch. Finished, therefore I bitched.

      SB is a much better read. Hope the weather doesn’t get too bad. I’ve been watching on the news. You have all the rain, and we have heat. 100+ yesterday.

        1. The thermometer on the wall says 93 inside, 104 outside. Dry, dry, dry!

          About the ZRR… think about it. You’ve read them. Did he ever take off his clothes except at bedtime or in the shower?

          1. Nope, can’t think of one time he took his clothes off, only the zipper going down. His clothes would have made Monica Lewinsky’s dress look like a minor nuisance.

  5. I find it interesting that some people bought the second book without finishing the first. Correct me if I’m wrong but isn’t she a TV producer not a writer? Last but not least, what qualifies her to even wite BDSM?
    Michael

    1. I think that many bought a ‘set’. I know when our local library purchased them, it was a better deal to buy all three. It’s a very nice gimmick to boost sales.

      And yes, she’s a British TV producer who played with FanFiction and self published.

      As for what qualifies her to write about BDSM… nothing. As far as I can tell, she has no clue except what one might find in a brief 30 minute breeze through pictures on Google and on a very shallow search. She certainly did not explore the subject even as far as a Wikipedia page search. She might recognise a Dom if one was wearing a sign, but I doubt it.

  6. Other than that, how’d you like the play, Mrs. Lincoln?

    *giggling*

    all so valid points. That’s why rarely do “my guys” only unzip…coz it is simply to unrealisitic yanno?

    I love that you went all through it that way! Bravo!

    nilla

    1. I just Could NOT comment on it once I thought about it. Really. If your Master had sex that way, he’d need new clothes. So would Wolf. Plus, they are both fastidious enough that neither would soil their clothing that way. Geeze. Not to mention the zipper road rash…. hair caught in the teeth, or the tab scraping the base of their cocks.

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